In My Feelings

I read stories about things I do not have, stories about the things I want.  I’m a reader.  I read about the things I desire most, to see how they play out in the lives of others.  I am a hopeless romantic.  No, not hopeless.  I am simply a woman who believes that there is a love out there for me somewhere.  I believe that there is a passion, that there is a man who will love me more than any one else ever has.  One who will want to be with me for the rest of our lives.

I am truly all up in my feelings right about now.  Lately, I been feeling lonely.  Yes, I have my family, my friends, and I stay busy doing a myriad of activities.  And yet, in all that, what I DON’T have, is a person to share my life with, a companion, a lover, a best friend.  I want that.  I don’t deny it.  Hell, I’m a woman, aren’t I.  It is true that years ago, when I pictured my life at my current age, I didn’t see myself as alone, a single parent, and feeling like I need to hit the ground running, literally, because being single isn’t any fun when I have no physical outlet, no chance for, ahem, adult activities.  Eff it….I am in need of that thing Marvin Gaye sang about so long ago.  A song I sing in my head, but can’t play when my seven year old is within ear shot.  She would ask too many questions.  It is a feeling I used to run from, one I use to try to pray away because I didn’t want to feel this desire.  I can feel it like a gentle hum, electricity rising off of my skin.  I am a grown ass woman and dammit, it has been a long time.  Since I don’t do that friends with benefits bullshit, it might be a while longer….and that will just have to be okay.

And so I read.  And at times I get all up in my feelings.  I’m human.  I make no excuses.  I just write about it.  An old friend is coming into town in a few days, and wants to see me.  I’m not so brazen that I’d in any way suggest that he scratch my itch (though he will likely never know that I will remain forever curious about what that might actually be like).

I promised myself that I’d be real about mine as I write this blog.  Thus far I have.  I find that I have tempered some of my writing at times because there is at least one person who knows my identity.  But that’s okay.

I’d really, truly like to find that one man who is meant for me.  I think I’m ready, but the Lord works in mysterious ways and so I will wait (as patiently as I can) for the day to come when I meet him.  And also, I’ll either find the time to run, or get a treadmill…gotta get rid of this “energy” one way or another.  Since my desired way isn’t currently an option, guess I’ll have to lace up my running shoes.  Miles to go before I sleep.