There is One

There is one.  There has always been one.  Through all the boyfriends (and one ex-husband) of yesteryear, there is one.  I’ve never, NEVER EVER been one to go backwards.  Never.  A few have tried rekindling something with me.  I cut them off at the knees each and every time.  If it didn’t work the first time, it for damn sure wasn’t gonna work the second time, or any other time.  After the relationships ended, they were lucky if they got a “hello” from me when they saw me.  For the most part, they didn’t see me.  Remember, I don’t go backwards.

But I do have to admit, there is one.  One from my past for whom a call is a source of happiness.  For him, I’d take a step backwards.  Why?  I’m not sure.  Really.  Just. Not. Sure.  I have ideas.  I can guess at whatever feeling it is that has me considering…has me imagining….has me wondering what if, and playing through scenarios of unfinished business that might finally be finished.  Finally.

I imagine that he might be the last.  Then again, my imagination has always been vivid, inventive.  Oh the things my psyche brings up during slumber.  Better than sci-fi.  Better than that Oscar or Emmy winner.  All me.

Back to him.  In his presence I am at my most comfortable.  This guy had seen my highs and my lows in the past.  Now, when I look at him, I am unafraid.  There is absolutely no fear.  No real wondering if he might judge me harshly or think me silly.  No fear, because years ago he knew all my secrets, and loved me anyway.  Perhaps the lack of fear is rooted in knowing that I still hold a place in his heart.  Even after all these years.  Decades have passed, and yet when he comes into town, I am the first person he calls when he gets off the plane.  (That makes a girl feel good….be still my beating heart).

The last time he was in my neck of the woods, he didn’t get a chance to stop by due to a family emergency.  However, I think that perhaps in the grand scheme of things, it was God’s way of saying “Not right now.”

Way back in the mid 1990s, I found myself in New Orleans.  I went to a Voodoo shop and had my fortune told.  The woman traced my lifeline and told me that I would have three loves in my life… one love, one lust, and one “why not.”  I’ve believe I’ve pinpointed two of the three.  I don’t hold much store in fortune telling, but I do find it interesting…she said I’d marry an old friend.  I did.  She was right about that.  In the name of lust I made a choice that was totally the WRONG choice.  I’ve laid those demons to rest as it was a loooonnnngggg time ago.

It is interesting that for this one, I’d take a step back into a realm I left a long time ago.  Perhaps it is a simple curiosity to see just how much I’ve changed over the years.  I’m not the girl I used to be. He isn’t the boy he used to be.  As a barometer of life, it would be interesting to see if the two us as full grown adults might be able to get along.

What will be, will be.